okay this scene keeps replaying in my head over and over again.

English class.. we're discussing the racism and oppression within the novel Black Boy by Richard Wright. I'm participating and in a really good uppity mood. The teacher asks who experienced struggle similar to the protagonist. I felt confident in telling this story because it's been years since it's happened. My third grade teacher and one classmate was so mean to me. My teacher would exclude from certain activities and every time I spoke in the class she didn't pay attention, or when I'd raise my hand and I'm the only one she wouldn't pick me. Or when I would speak and the class was out of line she wouldn't even quiet them down for me to say anything. I hated her so much. I had no friends in that class too and the one girl who had to be in it was a total bitch to me. She would call me ugly and flat nose every day and I couldn't even respond back because I didn't know what to do.

I couldn't even finish the story because suddenly tears began to fall. My voice started to crack and the only thought that ran through my head was what's going on? I felt so embarrassed. The tears fell just like that.. And everyone was looking at me.. The teacher threw me a box of tissues and ugh it was really a blur afterward. I just know that what I wanted to get the hell out of that class and forget the whole thing happened.

I didn't even feel sad when telling the story, more nervous for exposing something I've never told anyone, not even my parents because it just didn't cross my mind to. I feel so dumb trying to share that story because it just made me look weak and vulnerable.

I'm not even affected by that situation of the past anymore.. I have no damn clue why the tears fell.. No idea

And then when my friend asked me if I was okay, I said yeah I don't know why I'm crying, and I hear the whole class go aw.. oh my gosh.

Really? I don't want to go back in that class and get weird pity stares. Ack, I feel like I'm overreacting, but I just wanted to share that story because it's something I've overcome.

I've replayed the scene over and over in my head and I still feel so foolish for sharing it because now I look weak.

Have you ever had a dream that's so vividly real and tangible that when you wake up the emotions felt during it remain?  It was 3 nights ago where I was laying on a couch with a fellow classmate in English and things became a little.. steamy.  It was nonetheless awkward, but strangely enough enjoying.  Now every time I see him, I feel like I degraded his entire being with my overly 'hot' dream.  Now it wasn't too sexual to the point of rated R, but it's now to the point of having difficulties during class, to daily activities getting disrupted with my terrible and dirty thoughts.  I'm ashamed of it honestly.  To be so affected by one dream it disrupts the thin line of reality and fantasy.  Sigh, just sucks that his seat is placed right next to mine.

I'm hoping by the end of the week the symptoms of this dream will subside and all normalcy will return.

i'm digressing.
ap classes, college applications and essays are due, marching band, clubs, the musical, my job, senior project, laundry piling up, no money, lack of sleep, too much of avoiding the problems said above, and lastly not enough time.

i'm cutting myself off from technology, xanga, video games, t.v, my social life to catch up.


....i'm such a lazy ass who can't get organized